Didn't Have the Best.......

Let's face it, some of us did not have the best upbringing. Well, let me speak for myself. Trust me, I know we are all unique, which is a fact. However, until about six years ago, I never truly understood how amazingly unique I was; I equated my being unique and my self-worth with what I could and could not do, with what I had known and had not known. I am a middle child, so as a child, I always had someone I was compared to, which was my younger sister. My younger sister was pretty, witty, and very smart. We were only 11 months apart, but she was my mother's favorite. I had always sought my mother's approval. I've learned that a child's relationships with those close to them are significant to their self-esteem. That could be why the more my mom kept her approval from me, the more I wanted it. I believe every human being born on this earth was born with a gift. Those gifts can either be cultivated or hindered by your parent(s) or guardian(s). I was too young back in the day to know my mom suffered from mental health issues like paranoid schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety. My mom's mental health issues severely affected how I was raised; what she said and did during her illness drastically impacted my mental health and how I felt about my self-worth.

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame my mom, and I forgave her wholeheartedly. However, the abuse left some nasty scars that followed me into adulthood. It affected every relationship I had and almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand my self-worth, which made me act out. I could not understand why anyone wanted to love me; I felt my mom didn't. My husband could not understand my mental health problem for a long time, and neither could I. I can remember my childhood when I spent so much time convincing myself that I was not worth anything or good enough because of the hurtful things my mother used to say and do to me. I didn't believe anything good could happen to me. I had thought that so much that it created a pattern of very low self-esteem and crippling anxiety. It has taken a great deal of time to heal until a few years ago. I had spent a great deal of my life trying to make up for what I thought were my shortcomings by being extra nice to people. I was always saying yes when I wanted to say no; there had been times I had been so angry. I had grown so tired of being that yes person. It was the most exhausting time of my life. I did not know how to express my feelings, especially anger. I would hold it in; even at times, it would have been appropriate to be even the tiniest bit angry. However, I just held it in because I didn't know how my anger would manifest. I have gotten so much better over the years; It took a great deal of time to forgive myself and the people who hurt me and patience and understanding.

When I was suffering from depression, I felt so much better just being alone; I did not want to be bothered by anyone. I did not understand that it was important for my mental health and self-esteem to build strong relationships with the people that made me Think better and feel better, who didn't criticize, tease or make me feel less than. Today, My friends, my tip is to make sure you surround yourself with the right people. It's imperative for a healthy mind(thoughts), body, and spirit(healing). I tell you that recovery from trauma looks different for everyone; sometimes, you have to suffer and try healing simultaneously. Sometimes you may not be ready to heal yet at all. Just know that you are not alone. It takes time, and it's not a size that fits all formula. Start your healing today. Take it one day, one minute, or even one second at a time if you need to. There is light at the end of the dark tunnel.